Beyond 'Just Don't': The Missing Link in Habit Change

People have the best of intentions.  You have a problem; your loved ones want to solve it.  Typically, the solution comes by way of advice.  Got a bad haircut?  Go see my stylist!  Need a restaurant suggestion?  I have three!  Advice is generally well-intentioned.  I genuinely believe people have a desire to be helpful. 

With more complex problems, the advice can be incomplete.  What I mean by incomplete is that it can come with a critical missing link.  And what is the missing link that I’m referring to?  It’s the HOW.  Here’s an example of what I mean.

Jane is a late night snacker.  Her downtime includes sitting in front of the TV every night with her ice cream or potato chips.  She knows she wants to lose weight and the snacking is not helping, but she can’t seem to stop doing it, despite promising herself over and over that she will. Jane has been doing this for years.  Who knows how long?  She must’ve learned it along the way, because when we’re babies, we eat when we’re hungry and don’t overindulge.  We stop when we’re full or we fall asleep, whichever comes first.  As we age, it’s up to us to find solutions to our problems, whether they be boredom, anxiety, fear, etc.  Solutions may come in the form of overindulging in food, overspending, zoning out on video games, etc.  We have a problem and we find a solution to fix it.  A problem becomes compounded when the “fix” isn’t in alignment with who we want to be.  So, back to Jane.  We know two things: Jane uses food as self-care and Jane wants to lose some weight.  Her friend, Sue, says “Just don’t eat when you’re not hungry.”  Sounds so simple, doesn’t it?  But for someone who has a pattern of doing something under certain conditions, breaking that pattern (and here’s the key) without something to take its place and making sure the underlying need (relaxation, comfort, etc.) isn’t also addressed, it can be nearly impossible.

In coaching, I work with my clients to break undesired behavior.  We don’t simply focus on the what, we also focus on the how.  The how is a combination of addressing the client’s deep motivation or her “why”, an alternate solution or solutions, and weekly accountability.  My sessions include a combination of my suggestions and prompted solutions that come from my clients.  It’s a partnership; we try it and see if it works and if it doesn’t, we adjust.  In the end, my clients see results they never thought possible.  Real habit and behavior upgrades that ultimately lead to identity change.  When a client tells me that they don’t even think about snacking in front of the TV anymore or overindulging in (insert their undesired behavior), I know that change is possible. It is for them and it can be for you, too.

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