Is This Fear Real—or Just in Your Head?

Coco following me to every room, including the bathroom

When Fear Isn’t Real but Still Feels Real

Living in a condo building without a yard requires my husband and I to walk our dog, Coco, every day. I’m the morning dog walker, and my husband takes the evening shift.

Yesterday, I noticed street cleaning signs posted near our home. Since we only have one garage space in our building—and my husband’s newer (and definitely, nicer) car gets the spot—my jalopy lives on the street. I don’t drive much, maybe once or twice a week, because city living makes walking everywhere easy. But those signs meant I needed to move my car, and quickly.

So, after walking Coco, I took her upstairs, gave her some water, grabbed my keys, and ran back down to re-park my car in a safe zone. Ten minutes later, I returned to find Coco panting and visibly distressed. She paced, followed me from room to room, and refused to settle down. At first, I was puzzled. What could have happened in just a few minutes?

Then I heard it—the saw. Our neighbors were having work done in their condo, and the grinding, high-pitched noise was coming straight through the walls. Coco didn’t know what it was. To her, it sounded like danger. Even though she was safe in our home, her little body (okay, maybe her 65 pound muscular self is not so little, but she's still my little baby), was flooded with fear signals.

I tried to comfort her. I gave her pets and tried to soothe her with soft words, but the truth is—once fear takes hold, it’s not so easy to talk ourselves (or our pets) out of it.

And that’s when it struck me: Coco’s fear looked a lot like ours.

When Fear Is Perceived, Not Real

Coco wasn’t in any actual danger. No monster was coming for her. No harm was around the corner. But she perceived danger—and perception, as the saying goes, is reality.

We humans do this all the time, too. We feel fear even when logic tells us we’re fine.

Think about moments like these:

• Your boss frowns in a meeting, and your stomach drops, Did I mess something up?

• A friend takes a little too long to text back, and your brain whispers, They must be upset with me.

• You want to speak up in a group, but fear whispers, What if I sound stupid?

• You consider a career change or a bold step forward, and your inner voice warns, Don’t risk it. You’ll regret it.

None of those situations involves actual danger. Yet the fear feels very real. Our hearts race, our stomachs tighten, our minds spin. Just like Coco hearing the saw.

Why We Do This

Fear is not the enemy. Fear is a survival tool. Our brains are wired with an ancient alarm system that helped our ancestors escape predators and survive real threats.

The trouble is, that same alarm system hasn’t caught up with modern life. It often goes off at the wrong times—like when we’re speaking up in a meeting or trying something new. The brain doesn’t easily distinguish between real danger (a car speeding toward you) and perceived danger (the possibility of embarrassment).

So when that alarm rings, we feel fear—even if nothing bad is actually happening.

Coco’s Lesson for Us

The difference between us and Coco is that we can reason. She couldn’t say to herself, “It’s just the neighbor’s saw, I’m okay.” But we can pause, question our fears, and decide whether they’re grounded in reality or just perception.

That doesn’t mean fear disappears instantly. But it does mean we don’t have to let it run the show.

Questions to Ask Yourself When Fear Shows Up

1. Is this fear about actual danger—or just discomfort?

   • Am I physically unsafe, or do I just feel uneasy about how this might go?

2. What story am I telling myself?

   • Our brains fill in blanks fast. “My boss frowned—he must be mad at me.” But is that fact, or just a story?

3. What’s the worst-case scenario? And if it happened, could I handle it?

   • Most of the time, the worst case is uncomfortable, not catastrophic. And usually, yes—you’d handle it.

4. What’s the best-case scenario?

   • We don’t ask this enough! Fear fixates on the negative. But what if things actually go right?

5. What’s one small action I can take anyway?

   • Fear hates movement. Even a tiny step—sending the email, signing up, asking the question—starts to break its grip.

Living with Fear Instead of Running from It

Fear rarely vanishes completely. Waiting for it to go away before you act means you may wait forever. The key is learning to move forward even when fear tags along.

Here’s a little mindset shift I share with clients:

👉 Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of fear?” try asking, “How do I bring fear with me but still take the step?”

Fear shrinks when we stop fighting it and instead say, “Okay, I see you. You can ride along, but you don’t get to drive.”

✍️ Try It: A Quick Fear Reset

Grab a pen and paper, and walk through this mini-exercise:

1. Write down a fear you’ve been carrying. (Big or small, doesn’t matter.)

2. Jot down the story your brain is telling you. (“If I try, I’ll fail.” “If I speak up, I’ll embarrass myself.”)

3. Write out the worst-case scenario. Be honest—what’s the actual consequence?

4. Then write the best-case scenario. (What if it goes right?)

5. Finally, pick one tiny step you can take, even if the fear is still present.

Now notice how you feel. Sometimes, the act of writing takes the edge off the fear. And when you take that first tiny action, the fear often starts to shrink.

Bringing It Back to You

Coco couldn’t reason her way through the scary saw. But you can reason through your fears.

So let me ask you:

👉 What’s the “saw” in your life right now?

👉 And what would change if you gave yourself permission to step past it—even just a little?

One Last Thought (and an Invitation)

Perceived fear is powerful because it feels real. But feelings are not facts. The next time fear shows up uninvited, remember: you have tools. You can pause, question, and choose. Fear may still be loud—but it doesn’t get the final say.

Let’s be honest—fear isn’t going anywhere. The real question is: will you keep letting it drive, or are you ready to take back the wheel?

I highly recommend trying the Quit Fear Reset above, but honestly, the best and most expedited tool to kick fear's tush is working with a coach. I work with clients who are tired of being held back by “what ifs.” Together, we untangle the fear, get clear on what really matters, and create the kind of action plan that builds confidence step by step.

If that sounds like the shift you’ve been craving, don’t wait. Book your free discovery call today—and let’s get you moving forward instead of circling around the same fear.

👉 Schedule your discovery call now 👈