Do You Know Why You Want What You Want?

How often do we want something without really knowing why we want it?

Why do we scroll social media when we should be sleeping?

Why do we keep checking our email even on vacation?

Why do we want to lose weight?

Why do we dream of moving to a new city, or buying that sleek car we saw in the showroom?

Why do we want a bigger house, a different job, or the next shiny thing?

Sometimes, our desires are crystal clear. We want to feel healthy, safe, fulfilled, or connected. But other times, if we dig just below the surface, we realize we’re not entirely sure where that “want” came from—or what we’re really hoping it will give us.

And that’s okay. You don’t have to have every motivation mapped out before you chase a goal. But taking a closer look at why you want what you want can be incredibly enlightening and empowering and can actually help you achieve what you want.

The Hidden Layers of Wanting

Let’s start with something simple. Say you’ve been thinking about getting a new car. On the surface, the reason might be practical: your current car is old or unreliable. But maybe, underneath that, you’re craving a feeling of success, or wanting to project an image of having “made it.”

Or perhaps you’ve decided to start eating better. You tell yourself it’s about health, but deep down it’s also about wanting to feel more confident in your clothes—or to finally quiet that inner critic that compares you to others.

Our wants often have layers: surface wants, emotional wants, and even social or identity-based wants. Sometimes they overlap. Sometimes they conflict. And sometimes, when we slow down and get curious, we realize that the thing we thought we wanted isn’t actually what we’re after at all.

The Power of Asking “Why?”

When I work with clients, one of the most powerful tools we use is the simple question: Why?

And then we ask it again.

And again.

It’s called “the five whys” method—keep asking “why” up to five times to uncover the deeper motivation behind a desire or behavior.

Here’s an example:

“I want to lose 20 pounds.”

Why?

“Because I want to feel better in my clothes.”

Why?

“Because I feel uncomfortable and self-conscious.”

Why?

“Because I compare myself to others and feel like I don’t measure up.”

Why?

“Because I tie my worth to how I look.”

By the time you reach that fifth “why,” you’ve likely hit something real—something deeper than just wanting to look good. It’s about confidence, self-worth, and belonging.

Once you know that, you can start to work on what really matters: the relationship you have with yourself. Losing weight might still be a goal, but now it’s rooted in understanding, compassion, and alignment—not just reaction.

When We Don’t Know Why

Here’s the truth: we often want things because we’ve been conditioned to want them. We’re constantly surrounded by messages about what success, happiness, and worth look like.

Advertisements, social media, family expectations—they all whisper (or shout) that we “should” want certain things. A thinner body. A more glamorous life. A better car. A bigger following.

And so we chase those things, sometimes without realizing we’re running someone else’s race.

When we finally get them, the satisfaction can be fleeting. That’s usually a sign we weren’t chasing the thing itself—we were chasing what we thought it would make us feel.

If you’ve ever bought something you thought would make you happier, only to find yourself unmoved a few days later, you’ve experienced this. That temporary high fades because the deeper need wasn’t met.

Understanding Your Motivation Can Change Everything

When you pause to understand your “why,” everything changes. You make decisions from clarity, not impulse. You prioritize what truly matters instead of what’s popular or expected.

Knowing your why also helps you stay motivated when things get tough. Let’s say your goal is to run a half marathon. On those cold mornings when your bed feels extra cozy, remembering why you started—maybe to prove to yourself that you can do hard things—can pull you back into action.

When you’re clear about your deeper motivation, you can also pivot more easily. Maybe you realize your “why” isn’t about running at all—it’s about feeling stronger and more energetic. That opens the door to exploring other activities that give you the same result without forcing yourself into something that doesn’t fit.

A Client Story: From Restless to Realigned

A client I’ll call Sarah came to me because she felt restless in her career. She’d been in a solid job for years, earned consistent promotions, and had the stability many people dream about. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was meant for something more.

When I asked what she wanted, she said she wanted a higher-level leadership role—something that felt more prestigious. We explored what that meant for her.

At first, her reasons sounded practical: she wanted to grow professionally, make more money, and lead bigger projects. But as we talked through her whys, layer by layer, something else emerged.

She realized that her drive wasn’t about leadership—it was about recognition. She wanted to feel valued. She wanted to know that her work mattered.

As we kept peeling back the layers, she discovered an even deeper truth: she’d been equating her value as a person with her achievement. She’d been chasing external success to feel internally whole.

That awareness changed everything. Instead of jumping into another high-pressure role, she decided to slow down and redefine success for herself. She focused on creating meaning in her current position, setting boundaries, and reconnecting with what brought her joy outside of work.

Ironically, within a year, a new opportunity opened up—a leadership position that aligned perfectly with her new sense of purpose. This time, she accepted it not from a place of needing validation, but from clarity and confidence.

That’s the power of knowing your why. It doesn’t just guide your choices; it reshapes your relationship with yourself.

The Gentle Art of Curiosity

Understanding your motivation doesn’t mean overanalyzing every desire. It’s not about judgment—it’s about curiosity.

You can hold your wants lightly, look at them with gentle interest, and ask, “Where is this coming from?”

If you want to travel, maybe it’s about adventure—or maybe it’s about escape. If you want to start a business, maybe it’s about impact—or maybe it’s about control or freedom.

There’s no wrong answer. The only “wrong” approach is never asking at all. Because when we don’t look inward, we risk living by default instead of by design.

Practical Ways to Explore Your “Why”

If you want to dig deeper into your motivations, here are a few simple ways to start:

1. Journal the question “Why do I want this?” or you can use "What's important to me about this?" five times. Each time you answer, go a layer deeper. Keep going until you hit something that feels emotional, not logical.

2. Notice how your body responds. When you think about what you want, does your body feel tight and anxious—or open and excited? Your body often knows the truth before your mind does.

3. Ask yourself what feeling you’re chasing. Is it peace? Security? Freedom? Confidence? Connection? Once you name the feeling, you can brainstorm healthier or more direct ways to experience it.

4. Distinguish between “should” and “want.” If the word “should” appears in your reasoning (“I should have a house by now,” “I should want to lose weight”), that’s a clue the motivation might be external. You want to focus on the ones you actually want.

5. Revisit your “why” often. Goals evolve, and so do we. It’s normal for your reasons to shift as you grow. Let them.

When Your “Why” Feels Complicated

Sometimes your “why” might surprise you—or even make you uncomfortable. Maybe you realize you want something for approval, revenge, or to fill a void. That’s okay.

Awareness isn’t shame—it’s power. Once you know your true motivation, you can decide whether it serves you or not. You can rewrite the story.

You might even discover that you already have what you’ve been chasing—just not in the way you expected.

For example, you might crave love and validation, but realize that what you actually need is to start giving those things to yourself.

Living in Alignment

When you understand your motivations, your choices begin to align more naturally with your values. You stop chasing everything shiny and start moving intentionally toward what feels meaningful.

You also find more peace in the process. Instead of relying on outcomes to make you happy, you find fulfillment in the why behind the journey.

And when you inevitably face setbacks (because we all do), your deeper motivation keeps you grounded. You’re no longer just working toward a goal—you’re honoring who you’re becoming in the process.

A Reflection Exercise: Discover Your “Why”

Here’s a short practice you can try this week:

1. Write down one thing you really want right now.

2. Underneath it, write “Why do I want this?” or "What's important to me about this?"

3. Answer honestly.

4. Then ask “Why?” again—and again—until you reach an answer that feels vulnerable or true.

5. Finally, reflect on whether that deeper reason aligns with your values and how you want to live your life.

You might be surprised at what you uncover.

When you understand the “why” behind your desires, you give yourself permission to make choices that feel authentic, grounded, and free. And that’s where real change begins.